If you don't listen to Greg Proops's* show, The Smartest Man in the World, you're truly robbing yourself of one of the most hilarious twice-monthly hours of comedy ever. Below, a rough transcript of part of his National Lady's Day show, Lines (yes, it's International Women's Day, but the US doesn't recognize it. Proops does, so there you have it, he can call it what he wants, I guess). Anyway, I have spent some time transcribing my favorite part of his most recent podcast. It sometimes takes me forever to get to things like podcasts, so it's a bit late, forgive me. Please enjoy, and go listen to the podcast, because I can transcribe the words but not the sneering, nasal, affected voice I love so much.
"I don't know if it's come to your attention, but the Senate is about to vote on all women's healthcare in this country by closing Planned Parenthood, and it brings me to this point: You really don't see women legislating against men's reproductive organs. For some reason, the pink and perfect caves of mystery that women possess are the most trepidatious threatening thing that could ever happen to an ugly, fat, icky man** that's never been inside them. Now, men go on and on and on and on about how mendacious and horrible women are, because women want to kill babies, or women want to look after themselves. It's always 'you can't have women blah blah blah women are evil.' You think, 'I know, it's a great argument, you've really made your point.' The whole issue of abortion is not controversial in any way, let me just clear that up for you, people who are listening, and people who have tweeted me because I'll tweet about, you know, Stop the Senate's attack on Planned Parenthood. And I'll get 'Women's health! Why don't you just call it what it is! Abortion! Haha!' And I think, you've really thought this out. Abortion's not controversial. It's biological. If men got pregnant instead of women, abortions would not only be free and on demand, there'd be a clinic on every corner, you'd be in and out in five minutes like fucking Jiffy Lube, okay? There'd be coupons in the phone book, there'd be all-night infomercials - 'Are you a boy in trouble?' Men can't stand any pain whatsoever and have no endurance to carry anything for nine months. We can't even watch a show we like on TV the whole way through without flipping around. So the idea in any way that abortion is controversial, AB-solutely biological. Men have the fucking ball, and men don't want to give the ball up, and men don't want to give anything to the people who aren't men. And that's how that fucking works. I wish that was funnier, but it kind of started to be, and then it kind of faded out at the end. Women have every right to do what the fuck ever they want with anything that's inside their body at any goddamn time, end of fucking story. And don't e-mail me and disagree, because I'm not entertaining dissent. I am the Smartest Man in the World, and I have adjudicated...
"To all the men out there, and even the women, who are opposed to Planned Parenthood because you have no idea what Planned Parenthood does, you have a mother, you have a sister, you have a daughter, you have a cousin, you have a niece, you have a girlfriend, you have a wife, you have a significant other. Think about that. I mean, it always comes back to personal politics, because everything in the world is personal... If you disagree with me and you think, 'Well, abortion is wrong and babies are killed and dodododo,' you have a mother, you have a sister, think about their health. Think about that, too."
* Yup, that's the guy from both the British and the American versions of Whose Line is it Anyway?
** For the record, I don't like his use of "fat" here, but he's The Smartest Man in the World, not the Most Perfect Man in the World.
Thank you thank you thank you for this post!
ReplyDeleteGreg is the best!