Hi, hetero dudes. Your lives are all the same, right? You meet a cute lady, spend a huge chunk of money on a ring, and, strangely, marry her despite having no motivation to do so whatsoever. It must be because she somehow manipulated you into asking. Yeah, that's it.
JK, marriage is awesome.* You will now likely live longer, and, outside work, are no longer expected to act like an adult. Which is good, because it's not like you know how to do, like, anything:**
But sometimes your shrewish wives ask you to go furniture shopping with them. OMG. It's not like you need things to sit on. Fortunately, Ikea now recognizes how horrible it is to expect men to shop for things for their own use in their own homes, and has kindly provided us with Manland, a daycare for adult men where you can eat snacks and watch TV until your mommy -- er, wife -- comes to pick you up:
In all seriousness, het men find this really insulting, right? I mean, those of you who aren't commenting on the Good Men Project about how women use marriage to dominate men or whatever. (BTW, I totally retract any previous endorsements of that site I may have made. Hugo Schwyzer's posts are still awesome, but the commenters are pretty much all MRA douchebags.)
This whole narrative is so illogical that it makes me want to scream. Or, ya know, write sarcastic ranting blog posts.
**How exactly do single men survive, anyways? NOBODY KNOWS.