Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Yes, We Should Care About Those People

All right, kids. I'm sick unto death of celebrities saying anti-queer stuff and then fake-apologizing for it while GLAAD is all, "Nice career you've got there. It would be a real shame if something happened to it." Tracy Morgan just did this, remember? From the same realm of dumbass dude comics comes Adam Corolla, for whom I have never had one iota of patience. And now he's bashing trans people, and so I will hate him forever.

I'm just going to quote him, with major thanks to Queerty for the transcript:

“When did everybody get fuckin’ lumped in with the gays? Really, I mean what percentage is transgendered, y’know what I mean? I mean, let’s just say I was a politician and I was like, ‘Hey transgendered folks, I don’t need your vote.’ I don’t think I could get elected? What do they make up, thirty percent of the population? Sure. ‘I went to school with a bunch of transgendered guys and now I work with a bunch of ‘em.’ What the fuck? When did we start giving a shit about this? About these people?

We gotta work it out with the—and now there’s all these variations where like, ‘I’m a pre-op, transgender, trans-neutral, trans-fat.’ Shut the fuck up! No. ‘I’m having hormone replacement therapy, but I still have my penis, but I’m not gay, but I’m attracted to men.’ It’s like what the fuck? I can’t do the math. I even, every time I see Chaz Bono I don’t know what, my cock looks at me and goes, ‘Uhh??! What do I do?’ I’m like, “I dunno, hide behind the balls. They’ll protect you.” They’re just a giant trampoline, they deflect anything that comes at you; the balls are very, they’re scrappy. Mm-hmm.

[At this point, Carolla spends a long time talking about how “old-school” and tough his balls are, saying that his balls used to “walk twenty miles in the snow just to beat off” and that his generation’s balls “stormed the beach at Normandy.” We’d find all the testicle talk odd, except that he once hosted a show regularly featuring “The Juggy Girls” jumping on trampolines and a game where losers could get a “Sumo Wrestler Tea-bag.” But we digress.]

Carolla’s co-host Emily Rosen continues reading from the stated aims of the Ernie and Bert petition and Carolla pipes back up:

Can the gays shut up? Just get married and please shut up? You’re ruining my life and what’s the, what does the ‘BLT’ stand for again? Oh, OK. They’re not “gonna save many worthy lives” [by marrying Bert and Ernie]. Yeah, Bert and Ernie butt-fucking are gonna save a lot of lives; it’s gonna be awesome. ‘Can you spell felch?’ What are we doing?! What is going on?

[His co-host says that the folks at Sesame Street "fired back" by stating that Bert and Ernie are not gay, they're just puppets]

Well sure, they’ve got their fist up guy’s asses. Literally up felt asses all day long. Of course. Can I say this? What’s with all the fucking training that’s going on? Like, I don’t feel like I had any training and I’m fine. Y’know what I’m saying?

[His co-hosts both agree that that's debatable] …

I want an apology from all the Asians and all the transgendered and the gay, the lesbian, bisexual, transgender community. Shouldn’t [the LGBT acronym] be something that like spells ‘YUCK’ or something? Y’know what I mean? Y’know like an acronym?… It’s important that I teach my kids about guys who wanna have their cocks cut off and a vagina put in their place. Alright. I’ll get to that as soon as I get home. ‘Hey kids, wake up. Y’know, there’s a small percentage of Americans who are really angry at their cocks. And they like them surgically removed and, uh, a hole put in their place. And it’s very important that you treat them with a certain amount of respect. It’s 1:30. And yes, I’ve been drinking. Natalia, sorry for peeing on you, but it was dark.’

Soooooooooooooo. It just so happens that the New York Times published an op-ed about how the marriage equality movement is leaving out trans people, so it isn't as though the queer community couldn't stand to get its own house in order here. But my goodness. I think the best way for me to deal with my incoherent rage is to write a letter that I'll never send. Isn't that what advice columnists are always telling people to do?

Dear Mr. Corolla,

You are an unspeakable douche.


Okay. Lemme try that again.

Dear Mr. Corolla,

You are an unspeakable douche, and I have certainly never listened to your show and never plan to, but damn, dude. It's not that I'm surprised that you're such a monster, it's that I'm really over listening to transphobic ranting.

Of course we should care about "these people." You know why? Because they're human beings. And in my experience, they tend to be creative, thoughtful, and brilliant. I love queer people and genderqueer people because there is such a long tradition of strength, resilience, and creativity in the face of survival because of assholes like you. One trans person a month is murdered in America, and your hateful ranting is going to fuel those fires. You have blood on your hands.

Your point about your cock's response to Chaz Bono is kind of interesting, though. We only know what to do with bodies if we know how to eroticize them, right? So you can't tell of Chaz Bono is someone you're "supposed" to be into or not, because you are a Really Really Straight Dude, so if Chaz is a man, you're not supposed to be attracted, but if Chaz is a woman, you are. Here's the cool thing about queerness: you can, if you want to, start to let that go. Find that person, regardless of gender, attractive? Go for it. Find someone you want to wrap yourself around and wrap yourself around them. But I'm not sure you get that, because it jeopardizes your adamant heterosexuality. The thing is, if we can get to the point that we realize gender is as incidental as hair color to who a person is, we can realize that everyone's gender is different, and if everyone's gender is different, there's no heterosexuality for you to cling to as though it is your only life raft.

Also: There is such a thing as people who were assigned female at birth transitioning to a more male or masculine-identified gender, but in your "my dick is my whole life" panic, you forgot them. Also also, as Riki Wilchins put it, why does it have to be about losing a dick? Why can't it be about gaining a vagina? It seems pretty clear to me that in your worldview, one of those things is better than the other. You've got a long, long way to go towards more fully recognizing other peoples' humanity, yo. Call me sometime. I'll bring a brown paper bag to breathe into and maybe we can talk about why it would be good for you to open your mind a little. For starters, you might find yourself with the best friends you could ever hope for.


PS: And as to the TLBG (why not?) acronym being distasteful to you as it doesn't spell YUCK or something... go fuck yourself.


  1. Yes, Mr. Corolla, why should we care about "these people" when they are such a small fraction of the population? Let's make a list of other people we shouldn't care about because they don't have enough votes to matter:

    blind people
    people with cystic fibrosis
    people from North Dakota
    independent organic farmers
    Native Americans
    former Tiger Woods' mistresses
    people who eat sardines
    writers of young adult fiction
    accordion players
    people with "outtie" belly buttons
    Michael Bolton fans
    the Amish
    asshole comedians who fail at being funny

    Or, here's a novel idea--instead of giving a shit about "these people," why don't we try giving a shit about...people?


  2. Can't we make it simpler?

    "Every human being should have the same legal rights as any other.

    Laws should therefore be written not to exclude people."

    Why do the details of who they're excluding matter? Else, we might as well ease the pressure on businesses by saying people must only take their holidays on a month associated with the first letter of their surname. Oh, did I miss out 'C'? Ah well, the majority of voters are called 'Smith' or 'Jones' anyway.

  3. "Or, here's a novel idea--instead of giving a shit about "these people," why don't we try giving a shit about...people?"

    Yes. Just plain yes.